Remarks and rambles on a day...

 Since starting University in the strangest of times, the reality of higher education has simultaneously bowled me over and left me distinctly underwhelmed. Maybe as the intensity slowly winds up (with first assessments due in 4 weeks time) things will feel different but for now, I feel in a unique state of limbo, one worth expressing in words. Words which will certainly not be my best, but words better out than in, in any event.

Today (Thursday 1st October) began for me at 5:10 AM when I was woken up by my alarm to go and play badminton. Why anyone would choose to play badminton at 6 AM would normally be beyond me, but the opportunity to leave my flat is simply too great. But after the early start, I soon settled into a inherently unsettling routine of productive morning (pre-recorded lectures, notes, cups of tea etcetera), lunch, procrastinating patch of DOOM! Perhaps I'm being melodramatic but I doubt it. This is a period, where I think for prolonged periods about the merits of studying, only to find myself getting progressively more agitated with myself for my inability to concentrate and put my mind to doing what I should be doing. It's a vicious cycle as the more agitated with myself I get, the less mentally relaxed I am for studying. Eventually, the clock struck 6:30 and I snapped, angry with my inability to work. I decided to go for a walk, to try and evaluate my post-lunch slump, and to buy some sausages. Two birds...

The sun was setting over Edinburgh, and as I briskly crossed the Meadows, the sun had only just gone behind the trees, remaining bright enough to ruin any attempt to take a good photo of the skyline. Not that it mattered, because I'd deliberately left my phone in my room. Edinburgh warmed on me tonight, it was past rush hour and there was an air of tranquility to this usually bustling city. I stretched my legs past Greyfriars Bobby and up to the Royal Mile, meandering up to the castle, hoping for a view. As I gazed out at the ever-darkening capital, I didn't feel at home. Maybe that sort of thing takes time. I have ,after all, not been here three weeks. But I think it also takes people. I had a call with a friend from home who moved to Uni just a few days ago today and it reminded me of where I have lived my entire life up until last month.

For what it's worth, I believe the University of Edinburgh has done everything within their control to make University as valuable as possible for its students. Whilst the online learning platform crashed on the first day, it has since become an easy navigational platform of lectures, tutorial discussion boards and a database of resource lists. The lectures are not recycled from previous years, as I have heard some Unis are doing and my lecturers so far appear disappointed that they can't teach and interact in person. The tutorials are somewhat stilted, with the normal discussion taking place on forums in the form of prepared paragraphs as opposed to the free-flowing discussion you might hope for from a normal study group. But it is what it is, and there is still much to be gained from them. Perhaps most irksome is the lack of live lectures I have had. Only my language lessons have been live, and whilst they have been handled well, this makes up less than two hours of my week. Which means that there is a hell of a lot of time to fill... especially in the afternoon.

 I start walking down the Royal Mile, before turning left down Cockburn Street, perhaps the most sentimental street in the city for me. Not only are the tall Gothic buildings on a slope somehow simultaneously quaint and intimidating, they are also home to an excellent Mexican restaurant I frequented with family both during my Open Day visit last year, and last month as a farewell meal prior to my moving day. It is also home to one of the most extortionate motel bars perhaps known to man, an irritant at the time of frequenting, but now a place I can smile at ruefully.

From GCSE English Literature, there is a poem by Carol Rumens called 'The Emigree'. The only quote I care to remember goes 'my city takes me dancing through the city of walls'. If Edinburgh is to become my city then I will be hoping for a Charleston - a vibrant, city of life with characters to stick with me, as opposed to what I think at the moment is a gentle waltz - elegant yes, but lacking in the distinction and colour that I yearn to understand and experience. People help with that as well...

I have met two fellow Scandinavian Studies students in person, whilst the Politics group chat remains a fearsome behemoth of masses, disincentivising me from seeking contact. Desperation may take hold soon though. I'm convinced I wrote near the start of lockdown about the value of social interaction, and something along the lines of 'don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone'. Being cooped up in my room, either doing work or wishing I was, is reminding me of that to ill effect.

Looping back over the North Bridge and turning to walk over Chambers Street it occurs to me that I might be catching myself in a particularly bad mood, and that I'm being a little pessimistic. Perhaps, the occasional optimism is required to boost myself en route to picking up sausages. Tomorrow I have booked myself a slot at the library, and I won't take my phone. I sincerely hope that I won't have to wear a mask the whole time, and the change of scenery means that when I return in the afternoon, I might actually want to do some work. I'll have to in any event, as Swedish homework will be due. That'll focus my brain. A target, something to aim for, a timetable is what I need. Something that surpasses the mere idea of a routine. I walk out of Sainsbury's back into the Meadows feeling so hopeful that I treat myself to a Danish Pastry - perhaps with great tedium comes fiscal responsibility!

In many ways, this day will stand out, not only in me going for a walk to try and work out how the hell I can study for the rest of this semester, but also for feeling tired for playing badminton at 6AM, for shaving off my sideburns partly out of boredom, and for allowing myself an overpriced maple and pecan plait from a supermarket. Yet at the same time, it blends itself in with so much of the previous week, finding myself confined to my flat for studying, unwilling to allow myself to feel at ease, unable to enjoy the same University experience of so many students before and after me. In the immortal words of Raymond Holt, the last week, indeed University as a whole, has been 'sub-optimal'. But it's important to remember, that there is a distinct light at the end of the tunnel. We just don't know how long we're underground.